


Talking To Ghosts

by 0077



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, I made myself sad, Magic and Enchantments, One Shot, Sad Merlin, Sort Of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-03-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:20:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23195395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/0077/pseuds/0077
Summary: Merlin apologizes to Lancelot after the episode Lancelot Du Lac (ep 9 season 4) .
Relationships: Gwen & Merlin (Merlin), Lancelot & Merlin (Merlin)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 32





	Talking To Ghosts

**Author's Note:**

> My first attempt at a one shot because I have writers block with my other story! Hope you like it!

Merlin took a deep breath as he sat next to the water. The quiet sounds of the lake letting his thoughts grow loud. The moon cast a perfect picture on it's clear water. He looked over it's still shores and just wondered how something so peaceful could also hold so much pain. 

Merlin blinked away some tears, he didn’t realize he had any left. He realized he had started talking. Lancelot had always made him feel at ease, he wasn’t surprised that it was still so easy to just tell him every little worry that came to mind. 

"You know if our roles would have been switched you would've cleared my name. Not that my name would have the same weight yours does… did. I know you would've it anyways. You were always the most noble of us all. I'm so sorry I couldn't do the same for you. No one would have believed me, even if I could’ve explained how I figured it out. Morgana won this time. All the evidence was gone once your body died… again."

Nothing changed around him really but it felt like everything got quieter. Like the very wind was stopping to listen. Merlin hoped that somehow he was listening too.

"I don’t think I can fix this. Not this time. Gwen… Gwen is gone. Not dead don’t worry. Though obviously you'd know if she was. But she was banished. I'm not sure if she was enchanted but if she was the evidence of it is gone now and if she wasn't… well you would've found a way to make her stay. Who knows maybe you would've actually whisked her away. I don't think you would have, but you could have. Even now when Morgana has dragged your name through the mud they still whisper how you were the noblest of the knights. I'm not sure what I'm going to do without her if I'm honest. She was my first friend and Camelot. She grounded Arthur and would always show him his prattish ways when he piled too much onto me. I'm not sure what either of us will do with her gone. I hope that if the God's have any mercy she will be able to return to us one day and that she is safe wherever she is. That they will give her a chance to either clear her name or right her wrongs. I can't lose anyone else." At some point he started crying again. He isn't quite sure when but the sobs are coming heavily now. His words coming out breathy and almost unintelligible. 

"I'm scared Lancelot", he hates admitting it but saying it out loud takes something off his chest. Some weight that he didn't realize was there. He couldn't stop talking now if he wanted to. "I'm scared I had failed my destiny when Uther died. When I killed him. I turned Arthur against magic forever. That was another mistake I couldn’t fix. I know he will be a great King one day, but what if magic is never free. You always gave me hope but now you're gone and so is Gwen. I don't think I can do this anymore."

Finally he can't speak anymore. His throat hurts from choking out the words through his tears. All the fear that he has felt knowing every day one slip up could turn all his friends against him finally coming out like a dam being opened. God why does he always have to be so afraid? If he wasn't so damn scared all the time… if he was a bit braver… could he have cleared Gwen and Lancelot's names? Could he have already convinced Arthur that magic could be used for good?

Merlin isn't sure how much time has passed but the moon is directly above him now and he knows it is far later than he meant to be out. Even if he wanted to, he isn't sure if he has the strength to get up at the moment. Eventually he cleans up his face as best he can. He is distantly aware that if he doesn't head back now he won't get more than a few hours rest before he has to wake the King. With that thought he forces himself to head back to his bed. Merlin isn't sure if he hopes Lancelot heard him or not, but he is grateful that even now he can always talk to his friend. He hoped Lancelot can forgive him for failing him and Gwen.


End file.
